Gilmore Suspends Campaign Due To...Uh...Economic Crisis

RICHMOND - United States Senate candidate and former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced this afternoon that he is suspending his campaign "until this crisis blows over".

"The numbers are in and they don't look good," said Gilmore this afternoon. "Even after huge expenditures trying to bail out this sinking ship, results are still bad and looking worse every day. I am announcing my intention to suspend this campaign, including recalling all ads and refusing to take part in any debates, until we deal with this situation."

Asked whether he was referring to the national economic crisis or his own lackluster campaign for Senate, Gilmore thought for a moment before responding, "Yes."

Gilmore concluded his remarks with an appeal to his opponent to also suspend campaigning. Asked when it might be appropriate to continue campaigning again, Gilmore replied hesitantly, "Mid-November?"

Studies Keep Confusing Harrisonburg for Other Cities

HARRISONBURG - It's too small for this. It's plenty big for that. Research groups seem to have a hard time remembering that the Friendly City is the one in Virginia; a college town with a population around 40,000 and a median income of $30,000 .

Not long ago, Target said Harrisonburg was just too small to sustain one of their stores. "Turns out we had been looking at the demographics for Harrisonburg, Louisiana, population 800," says Target consultant Brian Entwistle. "A few months after we declared it wasn't a good fit for us, we realized our mistake and got to building post haste. A college town without a Target? What were we thinking?"

On the opposite end of the spectrum, other demographers who have never heard of Harrisonburg assume that it's Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, a major metropolitan area and capital city of Pennsylvania. That's the fate which befell the group studying the feasibility of a municipal golf course, which they said would be profitable within five years. Seven years later, the city is spending about $1 million annually to make up for the operating losses. Study group member Jane Cliffton notes, "Harrisburg has lots of lawyers and lobbyists and big businesses which provide a bottomless market for new golf courses. Harrisonburg has...well, let's just say 'Whoopsie' on that one."

Demographers have promised to google more carefully and perhaps even visit the city before making recommendations in the future.

The City of Harrisonburg, meanwhile, is producing posters featuring Court Square and the words, "Harrisonburg, Virginia. No, not that one. Not that one either. The other one."

Schools, Police, Transportation Dept. Agree: We All Have Enough Money

HARRISONBURG - Representatives of all the major city agencies called a press conference today to say they are fully funded.

"We just want to thank the public for their financial support, and appeal to City Council not to increase any of our budgets next year," said Harrisonburg Transportation Department spokesperson Chad Herrington. "We have plenty of funding to meet all of our needs."

School and police officials nodded in hearty agreement.

Officials from the agencies also unveiled a giant "Thank You" card in marble addressed to "John Q. Public", which will be installed on Court Square later this week.

Downtown Resident Uncomfortable Outside Liberal Bubble

ROCKINGHAM COUNTY - Downtown Harrisonburg resident, Jarrod Davis, was reminded that rural conservatives outnumber urban liberals in the Shenandoah Valley during a visit to the Rockingham County Fair last week. Davis said that although he grew up in Broadway, he rarely ventures outside of the downtown area anymore.

"I see county people at the downtown farmers market all the time. I discuss organic farming and food co-ops with them," Davis told a friend over a cup of chai latte at the Artful Dodger. "But I really felt out of place at the fair. There were a lot of Republican campaign stickers and Confederate flags out there. It was like I was in the 1950s or something."

Davis, a vegetarian, drove his Prius hybrid to see the demolition derby. He said that he had forgotten about the smells of the farm prevalent at the fair, and wasn't counting on so much smoke and exhaust at the derby. "There were no healthy vegetarian options at the chicken shacks. They had a salad, but it was deep fried. And all I could think about during the derby was how much CO2 was being released into the air."

Davis said he most likely will not return to the fair next year, adding, "I'm more comfortable here. No matter where I go downtown, there's always someone willing to talk about how much George Bush sucks."

ARC Objects to Use of Word "Retard"

HARRISONBURG - The Association of Retarded Citizens of Harrisonburg and Rockingham is urging people not to see the film "Tropic Thunder" because it uses the pejorative term "retard" in the movie.

"We must get away from the 'R' word," said local ARC president Shane Hannity.

Hannity says there are a number of other terms that are more accurate and not offensive to those with mental disabilities. He recommends using Special Person with Impaired Cognition, Mentally Impaired Citizen, Wit Oppressed Person, or Youthful Thinker.

Hannity pleads, "Whether you call them SPICs, MICs, WOPs, or YTs, just please be careful in how you talk about those among us who struggle with disability."

Council Candidate Evans Channels Reagan, McCain, Clinton

HARRISONBURG - Tracy Evans says he has many models as he seeks a seat on Harrisonburg's City Council, but three rise above the rest.

"I'm a Reagan conservative," Evans declares proudly. To show how Reaganesque he can be, Evans has called for the abolishment of the offices of Commissioner of the Revenue and the City Treasurer, similarly to how Reagan called for the abolishment of the Department of Education during his 1980 campaign for president. The department was not abolished and its budget grew from $14 billion to $22 billion by the time Reagan left office in 1989. Evans projects that after he fails to abolish the offices, he will likely increase their budgets by a similar margin.

Evans has also indicated his support for Republican presidential candidate John McCain by copying his campaign signs. "When I saw McCain's blue sign with a line at the top and a star in the middle, it was love at first sight," Evans says. After consulting with trademark lawyers, Evans decided to put his name above rather than below the line on his own campaign signs, and to use a slightly different font. "When people see my sign, I want them to think of me and John McCain simultaneously. I'm gonna ride those coattails all the way to Council."

A third model that Evans has used is Sen. Hillary Clinton, who set up a residence in New York not long before seeking election there. Evans, who was raised in the area, moved away after high school before returning to Harrisonburg in 2006.

Fat Guy Confused for Other Fat Guy

BROADWAY - "Hey, don't I know you?" is a phrase that John Richards hears a lot. Weighing in at a little over 300 pounds, he says he's often mistaken for other obese people that strangers know or have seen before.

"I guess some people just kind of recognize people by shape instead of looking at their face," Richards says.

In the past, he has been confused for other area residents and even famous media personalities.

"It kind of bothers me, but it also helps me a little. Like, if someone mistakes me for Drew Carey or Jack Black I feel pretty good, but if they think I'm Louie Anderson I know I need to eat a little less that week," he says.

"I'm fat, yeah, but not Weekly World News fat. You're not going to see someone my size riding a motorcycle on a tabloid cover. I do think I saw my body once on a news report about obesity, but they didn't show my head so I wasn't totally sure. It was definitely the same kind of shirt I sometimes wear, but you know there aren't that many styles for big guys like me."

Beach Geezers Headline County Fair

HARRISONBURG - In what is being described as the best-attended concert in Rockingham County Fair history, the Beach Boys melted a number of hearing aids during Tuesday night's event.

The band was originally formed in 1961. Today it is fronted by old-timers Mike Love and Bruce Johnston who were supplemented by a retinue of younger musicians.

During the concert, Love and Johnston dealt playfully with their advanced age. Besides several well-placed jokes in between songs, some key lyrics were changed to address the realities of being a senior citizen.

"I noticed something was weird when, during 'Sloop John B.' I heard them say, 'I want to go to the home,'" said attendee Melissa Aldrich.

Among the altered songs:
We'll have Fun Fun Fun 'Till Our Grandkids Take Our False Teeth Away
Little Deuce Toupe
God Only Knows (Where I Put My Glasses)
Surfin' USAARP
Good Palpitations
Help Me Rhonda (I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up)
Be True to Your Stool
Wouldn't It Be Nice If We Weren't Older
I Get A Round (Pill Twice a Day)
Glaukomo

The Beach Boys elicited audience participation a number of times, inviting spectators to stand, sway, and rhythmically clang their walkers on the ground. As a special tribute to the fair, the group also sang "Bah bah bah, bah bah bah ram."

"It was nice, but people in the audience couldn't clap along very well," noted Cathy Johnson, the lone African-American in attendance at the event.

Special thanks to Feddup N. Page and EastRocker for helping catalog the song list.